Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

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Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 20 Sep 2008, 07:34

Well, I haven't seen many writing-oriented topics in the Creativity Board (they're allowed right? :lol: ), and I started writing this randomly one day, so I figured I'd post what I've got so far. It's some NFS-fan-fiction-like-thing I'm writing. It isn't specific to NFS (or any game at all), but (because I'm bad with making up names) I may temporarily borrow some names from various racing games; however, they won't be really obvious ones (as in, I'm not using "Razor Callahan", "Ryo Watanabe", "Ryan Cooper" or anything). I haven't thought of a title for it yet, any help here?

Anyway, I'll be releasing this in segments about the size of this one every week or so. No "updates plz" posts (obviously), please, but please give me some feedback. I'm mostly writing this for fun, though, so if I get bored with it or forget it or something, don't expect me to ever remember it :lol: .

(btw, I'll be shrinking the font a bit so that it won't be too much of a space-hog. If you can't read it or get tired of reading it at the current size, copy-and-paste it into Notepad - sorry, don't really have any convenient way of hosting it or posting a link; mods, if this, or anything else about this topic, is a problem, contact me.)

-------Start of Segment One-------


The engine roared, the spark-plugs blazed, and a set of Rays wheels held together under the massive torque put out by the twin-turbo straight-six. Joel Williams, the disciplined driver, decisively spun the wheel and threw the weight of the Skyline GT-R easily around the corners. He allowed enough slip in his maneuvering to keep up the momentum but not enough to send him into the ominous pile of tires. He took three difficult uphill hairpins on the track with relative ease and crossed the professionally-painted line, and the lap-timer registered his lap time: 1:52.07, his personal best. Joel allowed the R34 to coast for a few seconds and softly touched the brakes, bringing the mass of metal, shimmering from heat, to a halt. The roar subsided and he relaxed in the spartan but now-comfortable racing seat. He moved his right foot slightly and the accelerator barely activated; with even this amount of throttle the beast jumped. Joel twitched and hit the brake pedal; he had forgotten to manually turn down the boost so he could move the vehicle off the track. He chuckled softly.

---

"That was a great run," the man standing next to Joel remarked. "I could never beat that in my Supra."
"Thanks Yoshi, I put a lot of time into installing that new intercooler." Joel motioned toward the front bumper of the car, with all of the mesh now removed and a shiny intercooler grinning through.
"You mean 'we put in a lot of time'," Yoshi said. It was true; Joel, for the life of him, could never figure out how to route the piping from the bumper to the turbocharger, avoiding the radiator in the process. His natural inability to weld didn't help either. He silently reminded himself that, while he was a talented driver, he could not have gotten anywhere without Yoshi.
Joel idly gazed at his car, sitting in the garage area next to Yoshi's Supra Turbo. The metallic-blue paint job, bronze-colored six-spoke rims, and stock-looking Nismo bodywork didn't really make it look distinctive, but the design was more functional than anything. Yoshi's Supra was red with black decals and targa top, and a carbon-fiber hood, which wouldn't stand out as much without its subtle but amazing-looking VeilSide bodykit. He knew that both cars had years of work and thousands of dollars put into them, as did every car in the shaded garage-and-car-storage section of the track. He continued to look nostalgically at it for a moment, but snapped out of it when Yoshi said "Let's see where you stand on the rankings now."
Yoshi walked over to a huge dry-erase board with fifty names and times (the top fifty, that is) written on it sitting next to the dynamometer kept at the track. He entered Joel's time into the computer next to the dyno (it served the purpose of storing all of the lap-times as well) and then proceeded to examine the board.
"That places you here," Yoshi said, pointing at a spot on the board. He proceeded to mark the time on the board:

9. GAVIN MAY LANCER EVO VI (CP9A) @ 338HP 1:52.03
10. JOEL WILLIAMS SKYLINE GT-R (BNR34) @ 400HP 1:52.07
11. EDDY SPENCER 240SX TYPE II (RPS13) @ 327HP 1:53.01
12. YOSHI SUZUKI SUPRA TURBO (JZA80) @ 386HP 1:53.02

"Nice," Joel said quietly. He grinned proudly. "I'm technically in the top ten now." Right at that moment, a man working on his RX-7 FC3S and his friend working on the MX-5 next to it - neither of whom Joel had seen before - turned around.
"Well, congratulations, man," the man working on the FC3S said. "I've always wanted to get further-up on the board, but I'm just not very skilled."
"Uh, well, it's really a matter of practice," Joel said. "That, and you know, the car helps. What have you put into that RX-7?"
The two men both popped the hoods of their cars. Joel was stunned immediately - despite the quiet, near-stock appearance of the Miata and the battered look of the RX-7, both sported expensive-looking turbo kits and header work. Yoshi's jaw dropped slowly.
"Uh... well then... how much horsepower...?" Joel knew that, although finding a legal R34 outside of Japan was neither easy nor cheap, and the modifications he had done to the car were quite extensive, the cars before him were internally of high caliber. Joel wondered to himself why the man with the RX-7 hadn't been able to save some of that money for painting over the sun-worn black paint, but hey - if the sleeper look was what he was going for, he succeded.
The owner of the MX-5 watched Joel and Yoshi stare at the cars for a few seconds and finally said, "Interested in joining us for an event we're holding in the mountains?"
Joel turned slowly toward him, not really listening. It suddenly hit him that what the MX-5 man was suggesting wasn't exactly legal. "...what now?" was the only thing he could say.
"You know, the mountains, near the east side of California. Although it's technically a freeway, it's pretty dead at night - we looked and in similar traffic conditions to the ones we're predicting on the night we're holding it, no one came by. We mean no one." Joel just stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face; he could swear that this sounded straight out of The Fast and the Furious. Before Joel could say anything, the other man said "...and there's probably cash in it for you if you win." But Joel continued to stand there, unable to say anything.
He shrugged and looked at Yoshi. "You think-"
"I'm not putting my Supra on the line, and definitely not my life. This is stupid, man." At that exact moment, both strangers pulled guns from behind engine components in their vehicles. Joel felt like he was going to faint at the sight of the very real and deadly firearms.
"This isn't anything personal. We really don't want to do this, but business is tough. Now we'll do our best to make sure you don't get hurt, but we can't make any guarantees. Besides, it'll be fun." One of the men grinned from behind his dark sunglasses. Yoshi swore under his breath.


---------------------------------------

Comments, feedback, ranting (lol), anything? :D

thanks to Stereo for pointing out a typo at the end
Last edited by RedCarDriver on 23 Sep 2008, 03:13, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Carcrazy » 22 Sep 2008, 08:21

Oh damn, I was always told that I was a skilled writer, but that was tremendous. Great job with the descriptive adjectives. :wink:

I only got done with the first little bit, and I have to admit, I got friggin' sucked in... I'll have to read the rest tomorrow. :P

--
Okay, I had to read it. Not bad... a few grammar errors, but nothing major. Just watch how you use those "and"s, and make sure you write some more ASAP! =D
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 23 Sep 2008, 01:18

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, sorry about the "and"s - I have a bad habit of writing really long sentences for no real reason, I'm working on it :lol:

I have the next section (plus half of the one after that) written already and I'm going to post the next part sometime between now and this Saturday (again, one a week; may do more, may do less).
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Stereo » 23 Sep 2008, 01:22

Lol, the last sentence should be "Yoshi swore under his breath"

Good story. I've written one but it's got to a dead end (I think), but maybe I can continue it...
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 23 Sep 2008, 03:12

Stereo wrote:Lol, the last sentence should be "Yoshi swore under his breath"


...

SERIOUSLY, how the crap did I miss that? :lol:

Thanks for the correction - yeah, I miss typos occasionally because I don't trust MS Word enough to run it through a spell-and-grammar check in Word (occasionally it's misleading).
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 27 Sep 2008, 01:32

Another week, another section. Constructive criticism wanted, as always.

-------Start of Segment Two-------


Joel drove up to the garage the next day with the boost turned all the way off; he knew he wouldn't enjoy the ride up there anyway because he was worrying too much about what his fate would be when he got there. He took the blue vehicle into the garage and parked it next to Yoshi's vehicle. Yoshi was casually chatting with the two men with the Mazdas and another man standing next to them, who was apparently the owner of a mostly stock-looking black Impreza WRX STi. In contrast to the two men, who were wearing leather jackets and sunglasses, and had beards and serious expressions on their faces, the man with the Subaru was a far younger man wearing a baseball cap and a Chicago Cubs T-shirt.
"Hey, Joel, meet Benjamin Bell. This is his first time at this track, and he hasn't got much experience with driving his GDB-C."
"GD-what?" Benjamin asked.
"Oh, that's just the chassis code of Impreza STis from the range of time between about 2003 and 2005. Joel, can you help Benjy learn the best lines around the track?"
"Sure. So, what have you done to the car so far?"
"Well, it came with these sweet rims-" Benjy pointed at them and continued, "- but I don't really know what's under the hood. I got it used." Yoshi and Benjy proceeded to pop the hood, and Joel looked at the engine thoughtfully for a few seconds.
"Looks mostly stock, so you're probably running the JDM limit - 280HP. Let's see how you handle this thing. We'll start you out in the 'parking lot' - that's the place where we set up autocross courses, and that's just a bunch of cones so you can't make many mistakes or break your car much." Benjy nodded and proceeded to back the black Subaru out of the garage area. His turn getting out of the pit-area was more like a twenty-seven-point turn, as opposed to the three-point turn that Joel usually took to get out (which was odd, considering the Subaru was lighter and less powerful, and arguably would have turned more quickly despite the lack of upgrades). Joel and Yoshi looked at each other; they had a lot of work on their hands if this kid was going to be able to do anything. "I wonder where the kid got the money - I doubt he's fully done with college," Joel half-joked.

---

Although the track-made-of-cones was simple and tame enough, Benjy the rookie had much trouble with it. He could not take as simple lines as Joel and Yoshi because of his inexperience, and the stock Subaru motor and tires weren't entirely up to the job of performing the effortless slides performed by the Supra and the Skyline - that, and Benjy didn't want to risk damaging the vehicle or wearing out the tires (Joel and Yoshi had several sets at their disposal while Benjy only had one, and he wasn't about to go and ruin them). Benjy did show promise, though; he could manage some pretty difficuly corners that Yoshi set up without losing too much speed, and for a new driver he did handle the 280HP the engine could make pretty confidently. It was getting late and Benjy said he had to work on his term paper. (This revealed some truth to the "college student" joke, which was lessened when Benjy told them that he was a grad student and the Impreza was a present from getting through the first leg of college.) Benjy waved goodbye to them and drove off, excited with his first experience taking his shiny new vehicle to the limit (well, not quite). The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the 'parking lot' section of the track.

---

Joel returned and, to his dismay, the Mazda men were still there. Yoshi had went before him (he left Joel the tedious duty of removing the cones) and was sitting silently in a chair, in sharp contrast to the casual conversation between himself and the men earlier. Joel walked slowly up to them, attempting to not provoke them in any way. The men simply laughed upon seeing the frightened expression on his face.
"You know, the gun thing was just to scare you guys a bit," the taller one (the owner of the Miata) said. "Really, we just need drivers for people to bet on, and you guys were convenient. Our boss collects a bit of money from everyone betting on the races, and without races, our business breaks down, you know?"
"C'mon," the other said. "We're going to be late; we're having everyone come to the big place in the city, downtown, er, what's it called..." - he paused for a moment - "...whatever, I can't think of the name, just follow us. We're meeting there so everyone knows where to go, and so everything will be organized ahead-of-time."'


-----------------------------

I've been procrastinating with writing the third section so it might not be done by next Friday. I've got a sizable chunk of it done though.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Koenigsegg_Rox » 28 Sep 2008, 08:05

I've been working on a story as well XD. Hope you don't mind but I got a couple ideas from yours to use :P . Just got to finish a paragraph then I'll post mine.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 28 Sep 2008, 20:03

Cool. If you don't mind, can you start a different thread for yours so people don't get segments of yours mixed up with mine? (lol, that would be confusing)
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Koenigsegg_Rox » 29 Sep 2008, 02:29

Sure, no probs XD.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby taz947 » 03 Oct 2008, 16:34

Just finished reading the two segments.

Nice job making this idea very interesting. It makes the reader to stay and read it till the end.


Again, nice job, dude. :wink:
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 04 Oct 2008, 00:59

taz947 wrote:Just finished reading the two segments.

Nice job making this idea very interesting. It makes the reader to stay and read it till the end.


Again, nice job, dude. :wink:


Thanks.

@ Everyone: I'll probably be posting the next section later today (no promises). I'm not done with it (I've gotten behind with it) so when I finish it, I'll post it.

EDIT:


-------Start of Segment Three-------


They drove up to the square and saw about two hundred cars lined up around the sidewalk surrounding the square, and not many of them were Civics either. G35s, Zs, Silvias galore in every generation, many various 2JZ-powered Lexus models (2JZs are desirable and not available exclusively in Supras), Mustangs, the occasional 3000GT, Evo, Supra, or RX-7, - every car readily available in North America (and some that aren't) was represented; it was a pretty even spread.
Suddenly, a very flashy group of vehicles blew past Joel and Yoshi, with bass blasting out of huge, needlessly-expensive speakers. All five of them were pearlescent blue-and-purple with pink or black tribal design vinyls, flashy bodykits, and blue neons; there was an Integra Type-R, a fourth-generation Mitsubishi Eclipse GT Spyder, a Nissan 350Z convertible with a VeilSide bodykit, a Nissan 240SX convertible (of the S14 Zenki time-period), and - perhaps the most striking of the group - a first-generation Lexus GS300 made into a coupe-cabriolet. All five drove up and parked at the end of the line before Joel and Yoshi made it up to the street corner (Joel was taking his time, to make sure his car would be in good condition when he arrived). All five drivers, plus two passengers who had come with the driver of the Lexus and the driver of the S14, stepped out. They joined the large crowd, which had gathered around a temporary stage (the top of a black SUV) near the center of the square. Joel and Yoshi followed suit once they had parked their cars.
"Alright, people, this is how it's going to work. It's a few hundred miles to the mountains with no real stops along the way, so make sure you have your canteen of water and your box of tools, as well as anything else you'll need," the man on the roof of the SUV said. Joel and Yoshi looked at each other; they hadn't known to bring either of those. "It'll be dark long before we get there, so we're going to match up most of the cars for races right now; if your car isn't evenly matched with others, too bad." Joel overheard Yoshi muttering something about coffee, probably referring to the fact that it was already fairly late and the event would extend beyond midnight. Joel ignored him, more concerned about what the man on top of the SUV was saying. "If the cops come by, just slow down, and if they ask any questions, tell them there's an auto show in Vegas this weekend. Okay, that's it, leave by seven or you won't make it there by ten." Joel looked at his watch.
"We've got a while, so can you run and get the tools?" Yoshi yawned in response (apparently still tired from thinking about the fact that he'd be awake for quite a while) and headed back to his car. Joel looked around and decided to figure out who he was up against while Yoshi was gone.

"Nice car." Joel turned around. The woman who owned the Lexus was standing behind him. She had sandy-colored hair and was wearing a glowstick necklace that matched the neon from her car. "Haven't seen too many Skylines around here. How'd you get it, MotoRex?"
"Actually, it's a Kaizo with as many of the original parts I could find, installed. Of course, that was before I started
working on it. How exactly did you make a convertible out of a Lexus GS?"
"It's used to just be a Soarer that I turned into a convertible. I got into an accident once and I couldn't find any cheap Soarer replacement parts, so I just bought a GS300 and put the front and back on it. It wasn't easy." Joel looked at the car again; he realized that the front and back didn't really match up with the rest of the car, and it made sense why. "... oh, sorry, I'm so rude, I haven't even introduced myself! I'm Sue, Sue Yen."
"I'm Joel, nice to meet you." Joel shook hands with Sue. He turned around and saw the same burly men he met at the track standing next to him. "Can you EVER leave me alone here?"
"Uh, no. Where'd your little buddy go? If he ran away or something, you're dead, punk," one of the men said. The other reached for his gun again.
"No, he's just getting some stuff. He'll be back." Sure enough, the red Supra pulled up next to the lane of parked cars.
"Okay, I've got the tools. Let's go, we'll be late."


-----------------------------

Sorry I had to cut it a little short this time, the next one should be longer to make up for it and should include at least one race. I also had an idea: I could make a YouTube series out of this (only the race scenes), in Underground 2. I probably won't start that until after I'm pretty far in, though. Again, no promises though - this is sort of a side-project for me as it is.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 19 Oct 2008, 20:40

Sorry that this is the second time in a week I've missed updating this. I've been writing it slowly, and there will eventually be an update.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 23 Nov 2008, 21:30

"Eventually" is now. I'm posting all three sections I've finished so far, and I'm going to try to work on this. Sorry for the topic kick and the long wait.

-------Start of Segment Four-------

Residents of a small town next to the freeway were in for a surprise when two-hundred-odd heavily modified cars drove by their town, each twenty miles per hour over the limit, exhaust-note ringing through the sparse scattering of buildings. Just as soon as they came in, each had already speeded by.
"Wooh!" Joel shouted out the window, flooring it while driving in the fast lane (although everyone else was speeding, they were in the rightmost lane). Soon he was near the front of the line, around where Sue and her friends were.

He slowed down to about twenty-over once he was just in front of Sue. The drivers of the vehicles still ahead of him habitually sped up enough to allow Joel a decent gap, so he could merge into the right lane. "Okay, Yoshi, still okay back there?" Joel asked, through a walkie-talkie.
"Yeah, I'm fine, you?"
"No worries up here. It's about a hundred n' twenty miles until we get there. Over." Joel let go of the "talk" button, set the walkie-talkie down in the passenger seat, and put the earphones from his MP3 player back in (the radio had been removed from the car long ago, for weight-saving reasons). His foot was going numb from holding the pedal down, but he knew he didn't care.

---

When the roads began twisting and the elevation began changing, Joel knew he was close. Eventually he passed a parked pair of SUVs that apparently were to serve as barricades - it was probably a good thing that the road branched and there was an alternate route, or people would get stuck until the races were over. The line had slowed down to about forty miles-per-hour now, because the road had entered the mountains and it was too dangerous to speed at that point. The fact that the sun had set two hours ago did not help. It was pitch-black beyond the road, and the only visible area was that which the headlights of the trail of vehicles illuminated or the street-lights (few and far between) lit up. The entire experience gave the frightening illusion of isolation.
Each driver eventually stopped and parked on the side of the road, on a more or less straight section (to avoid being hit when someone came around a turn). Joel parked in a spot toward the highest point of the road, so that he would have easy access to either side. Yoshi eventually arrived and parked next to him. An SUV was parked every ten cars or so, and it had monitors in the trunk; a person with a camera was stationed at every turn and at the midpoint of every long straightaway. Joel got out of the Skyline and walked up to the nearest SUV, where Yoshi, Sue, and several other people were standing. Joel was relieved that the two thugs weren't there, for once. Yoshi greeted Joel with a terse "hi" and they both watched the screen. Two pairs of headlights traveled downhill from the road to the right of the screen, the two cars they belonged to - a Mustang and a Nissan 300ZX, both very heavily modified - slid around the bend in the road, and the two cars traveled downhill again, moving away from the camera on the opposide side of the hairpin turn. Everyone standing and watching the screen cheered as the noise echoed through the mountains and the two cars continued to battle for position, the cameras switching rapidly as the people working them frantically attempted to keep up. Eventually the two reached the bottom of the mountain, and the Mustang emerged victorious. Sue shouted "NO!" when she saw this; she had placed a bet that the Z would win.
"You win some, you lose some. That's why I'm not going to bother with betting."
"Ah well, it wasn't much money. Hey, who's next?" Sue pulled out the chart she had been given.

10:40
SUE YEN | SOARER (JZZ30) @ 350HP | vs | JOEL WILLIAMS | SKYLINE GT-R (BNR34) @ 400HP

"Crap, that's us," Joel said. "Good luck, don't scratch my paint."

---

Both straight-six engines idled softly as the two cars crawled toward the hastily-painted white line that was to serve as the starting line. The bright purple neon lighting of the Soarer, bathing the whole car in a vibrant glow, contrasted sharply with the dark silhouette that was the Skyline. The only light from it came from four rings of harsh red light from the rear of the vehicle and two sharply bright headlight beams from the front. Both vehicles sat, waiting, on the dark road. Many star-like points of light from the lights of passing cars on the freeway dotted the road, which was the only visible feature beyond the mountains toward Joel's right side. To his left was the beginning of a sheer rock cliff. A girl carrying two bright flares - the only light beyond the lights of the vehicles - ran between them, asked if they had any last-minute bets to place, and proceeded in front of them.
"Ready." Joel revved the Nissan RB engine gently while in neutral and listened to the resonating roar of the engine. Sue did the same; compared to the Skyline, the Supra-like Soarer engine produced a similar but more exotic growl. "Set." Joel adjusted his grip on the wheel and realized that this was the first time he'd be able to take the car to its absolute limit. The girl raised the flares in the air, dropped her arms again, and finally shouted "Go!". Joel pressed the pedal about halfway down (he knew he couldn't floor it because the first turn was too close) and felt the vehicle jump forward again. While doing this he watched Sue floor the accelerator and accelerate a little faster than him. At that moment, Joel knew he was up for a challenge - he already knew Sue had a car that was fairly close in ability to his, and Sue seemed like a good driver. Joel pressed the accelerator down a little further.
As the next turn approached, Sue was in the lead slightly, but she seemed to be taking too much speed into the turn, so she attempted to drift around it. With much effort put in by Sue, the Lexus drifted around the bend, sliding far too close to the outside of the turn (the Lexus appeared heavy) and requiring Sue to correct her driving line severely. Joel was able to take a much more elegant approach because of the all-wheel-drive system in his car, sliding around the bend with minimal effort and lots of control simply by turning the wheel, hitting the throttle more, and counter-steering. This pattern continued for about a mile of the course until Sue decided to take a more controlled approach, slowing down more and making sure to choose a better line. Joel, on the other hand, was still handling corners with ease and sliding around the mountain in a way that made the difficult course look easy to handle. Frustrated by this, Sue decided to push her car harder but still take better lines. She began turning far before the turn and counter-steering sooner, allowing her to catch up to Joel thanks to more speed coming out of a turn with some (but not much) "stepping-out" of the rear. Soon she was ahead, but there was a pair of difficult hairpins ahead. Joel knew he'd never handled such a thing in all his time at the track, so he didn't know what to do. He decided to use his instinct, ignoring the peril that awaited beyond the guardrails of the mountain road, and slammed on the brakes, let go of them again, turned the wheel sharply, slowly increased the throttle, and finally countersteered again. This maneuver allowed him to perform an impressive slide (and a difficult-looking one, compared to his previous performance). Sue attempted to duplicate the maneuver and was able to, although this was purely by chance; on the next turn, when she tried, her car spun out and Joel pulled ahead, finally finishing first.

"Wooh! That was great," he shouted after stopping the GT-R and removing his helmet. He looked back up the hill, where Sue was still trying to turn her car around. "...well, I'm glad no-one got hurt and nothing was damaged," he said quietly, feeling somewhat ashamed now for participating in and enjoying such an especially dangerous activity (the track he usually visited was considered one of the safest tracks in the state, and was usually lined with tires to prevent injury). Sue came down the final hill after making a twenty-seven-point turn to get out of the precarious position it had ended up in (which, Joel mused, reminded him of Benjy's earlier). A small crowd had gathered at that point, which included Yoshi - Yoshi's race had already been run, and he had lost narrowly to an Evo. Sue opened the door of her Lexus and removed her helmet.
"Great race. I knew running against a Skyline wouldn't be easy so I didn't bet anything on this one," she said. "My Lexus is more for show, but I've got another car. I wish I'd brought that tonight." Yoshi yawned and told Joel that he wanted to leave, after mumbling something about coffee and how he was glad he'd ran his race already, so Joel got back into his car. The crowd dissipated and Joel and Yoshi started to pull away, but suddenly Joel heard Sue scream.

-----------------------------

Also, ten thousand internets to anyone who can tell me which game all of the names are from, besides the ones I made up - and who can tell me which ones I made up as well.

EDIT: Yeah, I'm editing this again. I'm on Run-on Sentence Patrol right now, and I want to make this more flowing to read.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Stereo » 27 Nov 2008, 00:11

Yoshi's Island? :mrgreen:
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 27 Nov 2008, 01:12

Stereo wrote:Yoshi's Island? :mrgreen:


Well, that's an interesting point but no. Look at the full name, it's in the first section. (Plus, I'm asking for all of them).

Also, some feedback on the writing itself would be nice if you have time... :P
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby korge » 27 Nov 2008, 01:49

Its good, not great but its something. I nitpicked certain parts to read and not the WHOLE THING. Im sure you can understand why.

The name of one the main characters for my story for Shift is Sara Margo. Im quite proud of that one. :lol:
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 19 Dec 2008, 06:12

Another update, to motivate me to actually work on this more. This time I'm coming pretty close to about the segment I'm working on now. So much for "a segment a week"...

-------Start of Segment Five-------


Both Sue and her car were suddenly gone, but Joel thought he saw the pink glow from the neon lights on the car, so he turned around.
"Are you insane? Really? Let's go," Yoshi said impatiently through the walkie-talkie.
"Hold on, we have to go that way," Joel said. "Sue's in trouble." Yoshi stopped, turned around, and followed Joel. Both of them were close enough to the base of the mountain that they could see the two Cadillacs that were blocking the road and an SUV parked there. Joel stopped in front of them, not bothering to get out, and said "Guys, really, let us through. We think someone's being kidnapped."
"Oh my gosh. Here. Go, gogogo! We'll follow you and... alert the authorities when we can," the man who was standing on top of the SUV earlier said. Both Cadillacs moved and Joel and Yoshi floored it.
Soon Joel found himself chasing the Lexus at full speed on the flat, isolated freeway, far above the speed limit (and, in fact, going the fastest he'd ever gone in the car). He slowly caught up to whoever was driving the Lexus and looked through the windows of the other car; Sue was tied up in the front passenger seat and three men were in the other three seats. Luckily, the doors weren't locked and Sue wasn't wearing her seat belt, so Joel knew he could rescue her. He slowly pulled in front of Sue's car and slowed down gradually; Yoshi was moving faster and was acting as a blocker so that whoever was driving Sue's car would be forced to slow down. Apparently whoever was driving didn't want to damage either car, so they slowed down too. When Yoshi and Joel were slowed down to a crawl, Yoshi took Joel's position and Joel moved toward the right side of Sue's car. He opened the left door to his own car and the right door to the other vehicle. He grabbed Sue and pulled her into the passenger seat of his car. Whoever was driving the Lexus didn't seem to care (they seemed more interested in the car), so they sped back up.
"Holy crap, thanks. I guess they just wanted my car. It's not very special compared to any other there, so why mine?" Joel stopped and pulled over, and Yoshi (and the one Cadillac which followed them both) did the same. A man in the Cadillac pulled out a cell phone, which Sue grabbed. She dialed 911 immediately. "Hello? I'm reporting a car theft, it's a bright purple Lexus; the thieves are moving quickly down the freeway, going east..."

---

"So they kidnapped you, these two cowboys rescued you...-"
"Hey!" Joel interrupted the officer.
"...and they don't even bother to come back for you, they just wanted your car."
"Well, either that or they did want to kidnap me and they just gave up on it," Sue said.
"Hmm. Do you have any idea who did this?"
"No, I have no idea. My car isn't even really special compared to some of the others there, there were cars with over five-hundred horsepower there."
"...you sure?"
"Mm-hmm." The officer stared at her for a moment, then said "We'll look into this. In the meantime, you three had better stay here for a while."

About two hours later, the officer came back and announced, "We have found your car, it was abandoned on a small road next to the freeway. Nothing was damaged or taken. It's in the impound lot right now. We do have a few suspects as to who did it, though - they're all highly dangerous and linked to organized crime rings." Joel felt his stomach sink. It was just one run in the mountains, and now... "Nothing in the car that we can find was stolen; in fact, there was a suitcase with two hundred dollars left inside. We think they may have left it there, but we don't know why." Just then, Sue burst out laughing.
"That... was my betting money. I only won one bet and the rest I lost... oh crap."
"You just realized you admitted to gambling, and we can probably press charges for that, right?"
"Yes, but what if I just hand you the suitcase and we can pretend we never let this happen?" Sue smiled weakly, and the officer rolled his eyes.
"And now you're attempting bribery. Nice try, lady. Either way, all three of you are in serious trouble. However, considering the circumstances of the car robbery, you may be able to assist us."
"And if we don't...?" Joel made "cut it out" signs at Sue, because he knew what the answer would invariably be.
"I'll pretend you didn't say that. I want you to figure out who stole the car and what they wanted. In return, we'll lessen the charges." The officer looked at Sue, then at Yoshi and Joel. "The thing is, I'm still trying to figure out what the charges are, besides a killer of a speeding ticket for both of you two and street racing charges for all three of you."
"Ahh, officer, if you'd be able to keep us from being, uh, killed, that'd be nice," Joel interjected. "The men who kidnapped Sue and almost stole her car both had guns and they threatened to use them at least twice."
"Not a problem. We'll keep a microphone on all three of you and make sure none of you are harmed."

---

Joel, Yoshi, and the officer pulled open the slidable portion of the chain-link fence, and all four of them stepped into the impound lot. The Lexus sat there and, just as the officer said, appeared unharmed. Sue ran up to it.
"Hey, speaking of, where are our cars?" Yoshi said.
"They're still parked in the normal parking lot, right where you left them. Why, do you think someone has been messing with them? We made sure no one would come to steal them by posting an officer to watch them, and so far no one has tried." Meanwhile, Sue was running around her car, opening the hood, trunk, roof, and both doors. She moved the seats up and down, checking behind them, and making sure everything that was in the car before was still accounted for. Then, relieved, she sat down in the driver's seat, finding the key in the ignition. She turned it, and...

Silence.

"Crap. Crap crap crap." She ran back towards the hood and checked all of the components she could see. "Hey, can we get this car to a lift? I want to make sure nothing was stolen from the engine."
"Already checked. Everything we can think of is accounted for - Toyota 2JZ-GTE block and headers, both turbos, battery, alternator, starter, original electronic control unit..."
"That's it! I don't have a Toyota ECU in this car because I know that I had to replace it when I added turbos! This is internally a Soarer, not a GS300, so it came with the non-turbo JZ engine, and the OEM chip wouldn't work with it for some dumb reason - every website I checked said it'd work. I got a new one somewhere, but I have no idea where anymore... but why the heck would they want that?"

-----------------------------

@ korge: Cool name, one I know I never could have thought of. Also, if you're nitpicking parts, make sure you're randomly selecting the good parts and not the worse parts :lol: As far as quality goes, it's less-than-uniform in parts.

@ Stereo: Come on, if you read the first part of the first section, several of them are right in front of your face (assuming you've been playing more recent games)... :lol:
Last edited by RedCarDriver on 12 May 2009, 07:19, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Koenigsegg_Rox » 20 Dec 2008, 01:48

Yoshi Suzuki is very obviously from Need For Speed ProStreet...
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 20 Dec 2008, 03:21

Yeah. Admittedly that one is one of the more obvious ones.

Hint to everyone: None of the names from games are driving the same car as they are in the game they come from - for example, Yoshi Suzuki is not driving a 350Z - so don't look for them that way. That may be obvious but I think it should help a little.
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby RedCarDriver » 12 May 2009, 07:27

Sorry for the bump, but I'm posting an update.

Fixed various grammatical errors, and I'm posting a new section so I'll be motivated more.

-------Start of Segment Six-------

The sun was beginning to creep up again, and Yoshi had gone to get a third cup of coffee ("freakin' longest day of my life..."). Sue was been pacing back and forth, clearly badly stressed out, while Joel sat in the passenger seat of the now-disabled Lexus. "Sure, I blew eighteen-hundred dollars on betting at that stupid event - but, haha, of course that's my own fault - and now I don't have a car. Not even a daily driver - wait, I do have something..." Sue trailed off there, stopped pacing abruptly, and pulled Joel out of the car. "I do have a second car. It's not too great compared to the Lexus but it's something." Joel and Sue headed to the parking lot, allowed by the officer to leave. Sue was about to open the right door, but soon realized that it was the driver's side and not the passenger's side.
"Go right ahead, drive it - you're paying for any damage though," Joel said, misinterpreting Sue's error. Sue shrugged and proceeded to open the door, while Joel walked around the car to the left of it. Both entered the car.
"Wow. These seats are pretty uncomfortable," Sue remarked once sitting in the racing bucket-seat. Joel shrugged in response and tossed her the keys. Sue put them in and turned the ignition. Immediately, the on-screen display of the R34 flickered to life - the software of which had been replaced by a custom package to accomodate the boost controller and several other controls.
"Now, you're going to have to turn down the turbo boost or you'll hit the wall at the back of the parking lot - and, again, you're paying for it." Sue turned the boost down through the menus. She then attempted to move the shifter to what was actually third gear, not realizing that the car had a manual transmission, and Joel whimpered at the prospect of the transmission being damaged. Sue corrected herself quickly, depressing the clutch and moving the gear shifter over to the right all the way and down. Then she released the clutch and hit the accelerator, making sure not to hit the back wall. She performed the all-too-familiar twenty-seven-point turn and moved the vehicle out of the parking lot while Joel sighed in relief that nothing was broken. "The Getrag transmission from the R34 is tough, but shifting right into a gear without hitting the clutch - or at least rev-matching - will break it."
"Sorry, I drive an automatic. I know how to drive a manual but I'm used to my Lexus..."

---

Soon the exhaust of the Skyline roared again, but not nearly as furiously as the times when Joel took it out on a track-day. Rather, it was more tame because the vehicle was moving slowly, but the raw power Joel knew it hid made it feel even more sublime. He was paying more attention to how Sue was driving and the condition of his car than to where she was driving, so when he looked up and found that they were next to a freeway onramp he was a bit surprised.
"Where are you going again? Is your team's garage on the other side of town or something?"
"Yeah, it was sort of inconvenient that we ended up in the police station, which is pretty far from our garage." Sue focused again on driving.
"Hey, wanna see what this thing can do on full-boost?"
"What, you stupid enough to want to get busted again?" Sue replied, still apparently bitter about basically losing her own car. Joel opened his mouth again, then closed it before saying anything else, feeling stupid - he really regretted having to show up at a police station already, and still felt fortunate that neither his car nor Yoshi's was harmed.
"...Well, we didn't exactly get arrested, we were brought in for the investigation of a car theft."
"Same difference, moron, that's like turning ourselves in."
"Either way, I'm pretty sure the police basically are giving us indemnity from speeding as long as we don't hurt anyone or damage anything..." Sue looked convinced by that point and began to fiddle through the menus.
"Don't be so sure," a familiar voice said from a crevice of the car interior. Joel pulled out the radio he had contacted Yoshi with earlier.
"Yoshi?"
"No, me. I'm with Yoshi, getting some coffee, but he brought his walkie-talkie with him. Apparently you were sitting on it and the "talk" button was pushed this whole time. You'd better not be running away," the officer snapped.
"Heck no, we're just going to go find Sue's other car."
"Other car?"
"We'll explain later. Don't worry, we're coming back." With that, Joel shut off the walkie-talkie. "So, want to feel what the acceleration feels like?" The light of the intersection they were in turned green and Sue turned the car right while pointing towards the computer. Understanding what Sue meant, Joel increased the boost again. The car moved slowly around the on-ramp, with Sue barely pressing the pedal, and when Sue reached the freeway, she pressed the pedal down further. The engine quickly sped up to the redline, Sue hit the clutch and shifted, and the process repeated until fourth gear.
"The exhaust note on this thing is awesome," she shouted over the noise. "Not a big fan of the blow-off valve, though. Too quiet."
"Haha, loud blowoff valves and fart-can exhausts are for ricers," he said, laughing both at Sue's joke and his own. Sue laughed too, interrupted only when she was alerted that she should pay more attention to the road - a few cars were in front of them and Sue moved the Skyline around them easily. She then pushed the accelerator all the way down.

---

Fifteen minutes later - by which time they had traveled thirty miles, do the math for the average speed - they had reached the garage belonging to Sue's team. It was packed into a business complex near the industrial side of town, and it was just as showy as the team's cars. Black-light signs were visible on both outward-facing sides, and the building was covered in a graffiti mural done in neon paint. These combined for an effect that would have been stunning at night, but was somewhat dulled down by the rising sun. The doors, the section still visible also covered in graffiti, were open, revealing ten cars in total. The 350Z, Eclipse, 240SX, and Integra Type-R from before were present, joined by a more cleanly customized Toyota Supra MA70 with white paint, a pair of identical Skyline R32 GTS-Ts in dark red, a Mitsubishi Mirage Coupe with Evo parts and painted yellow, and a Civic which Joel's brain subconsciously registered as being invisible. At the end lurked another car hidden by shadow and a fabric cover. Sue stepped out of the Skyline, tossing the keys back to Joel and commenting on the quick torque.
"So, this is your crew's garage. Do all of these cars belong to your teammates?" Joel asked.
"Nah, the five to the left of them belong to our tuning shop's customers. The guys with the R32s are in another team, actually, and yeah, the cars came from MotoRex," Sue explained. Joel nodded quickly in approval at the R32s before turning to the far end of the garage.
"That leaves one, that one."
"And that is exactly the one we have come for. It's a project car I've had set aside for a while but I'm sure it'll be great for our purposes - it's the one I mentioned at the mountain event. I've also got some spare parts for my Lexus, which we'll worry about later."

Both of them began walking up to the garage, where a lone mechanic was working. It was a man wearing a Van Halen t-shirt and denim jacket, both of which were covered in black grease. Sue waved to him as he was working on the R32s, but no further attention was paid to him by either of them as they walked past. Instead, Joel was looking directly at the car, trying to figure out what it was from the silhouette. Nothing matched exactly, no matter what Joel thought it might have been - another Supra MA70, a Nissan 300ZX, a second Toyota Soarer, anything Joel could think of that had the long hood, fastback trunk, and generally menacing shape.
When Sue and Joel removed the car-cover, however, Joel was visibly surprised - it was a 2002 Ford Mustang GT, painted black and with an SVT Cobra R body kit. Despite the fact that it was an American car (something that Joel was surprised at already, because he had suspected another Toyota), it was definitely tuned in a fusion of both American muscle trends and the JDM tuning style. It had a carbon-fiber version of the Mustang badge, a distinctly Veilside-like rear wing, and smoked taillights, as well as rainbow-hued titanium exhaust tips.
"Like it?" Sue asked as Joel looked at it.
"...Wow. Here I was, not suspecting this beast to strike and blow me away," Joel exaggerated.
"Not exactly possible, seeing as it currently doesn't start," Sue replied, but Joel didn't notice her.
"I like Japanese cars but nothing can beat American muscle," Joel said, still clearly surprised and not reacting to Sue's comment. He then turned. "What, what do you mean it won't start? Pop the hood." Sue ran up to the cockpit and did so, and then Joel lifted it up. "But... but... there's no engine..." he stammered.
"Yeah, dummy, it's my project car. The engine is back there," she said, pointing to the back room.
"And how do you plan to get it in?" Joel asked, fairly mindlessly.
"Duh, you think I haven't thought of that? It's in chains on a lift, and although it's not exactly easy to get it through the door, it's possible."
"And... does the engine run?"
"Like a bat out of ____. Why do you think I bought it? The block is straight from a Shelby GT500 that some rich guy wrecked, but the headers and exhaust have been replaced with ones I got from some guy who works for Holley. It's twin-turbocharged as well, using nothing short of IHI turbos," she said. Joel, at this point, was practically drooling. "I've made sure that it'll fit already, all we have to do is drop it in - and I've already made the motor mounts, so that's not a problem." Sue then whistled to the man working on the R32s. "Hey! Can we get some help over here?"

-----------------------------

Okay, I know it's kind of lame of me to drop this story for a year, but I'll keep posting updates so that I'll have more motivation to work on this.

"One segment a week" was never a promise, anyway >_>
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Re: Not much writing-based stuff in this board, is there?

Postby Koenigsegg_Rox » 13 May 2009, 02:05

I was wondering what had happened...I've pretty much forgotten about mine anyway. Couldn't think what to do next with the first chapter.
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