Jokes Thread!

MikeFarrar · Post by **MikeFarrar** » 15 May 2005, 13:50

Ok. here's one
This morning on the freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new commodore doing 100kmh with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Ed and the Twins, ruined my cell phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
!#@!! women drivers!!!!
=D

~Mike

S2000_Skyline12 · Post by **S2000_Skyline12** » 15 May 2005, 13:53

korge wrote:
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,â€ Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

These should be in NFS Most Wanted..

yeah in the beggining or the load up screens

korge · Post by **korge** » 15 May 2005, 15:46

S2000_Skyline12 wrote:
korge wrote:
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,â€ Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

These should be in NFS Most Wanted..
yeah in the beggining or the load up screens

Yeah, like in a beginning trailer or sumthing.. a cop pulls the racer over and he says one of these things and then show a video of another one saying a different one,,, then boom... jumps into some sweet outruns with cops and stuff.. that wouldd be funny and awesome at the same time...

S2000_Skyline12 · Post by **S2000_Skyline12** » 15 May 2005, 16:41

that would be cool

boganbusman · Post by **boganbusman** » 16 May 2005, 11:21

MikeFarrar wrote:Ok. here's one
This morning on the freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new commodore doing 100kmh with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Ed and the Twins, ruined my cell phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
!#@!! women drivers!!!!
=D

~Mike

ROFL

It's so true . . .

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 18 May 2005, 11:48

i really couldnt be motivated to create a separate topic for this..honestly i think this qualifies as a joke

Source http://my.yahoo.com/
"In this photo released by Warner Bros., talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, center, surprises parents-to-be Britney Spears, left, and Kevin Federline with a carriage customized especially for them with neon lights, spinners and a Sony DVD player , during a taping of 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show' in Burbank, Calif., on Monday, May 16, 2005. The interview with Britney and Kevin airs Tuesday. (AP Photo/Warner Bros., Chris Polk)"

chimpzrl · Post by **chimpzrl** » 19 May 2005, 16:34

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 19 May 2005, 16:55

bearteeth?

ViperGT · Post by **ViperGT** » 19 May 2005, 16:57

good question what's the answer Smoky the Bear LMAO

"Remeber only YOU can prevent forest fires"

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 20 May 2005, 08:42

chimpzrl · Post by **chimpzrl** » 20 May 2005, 16:36

A: A gummy bear.

boganbusman · Post by **boganbusman** » 21 May 2005, 04:09

A small Aussie guy is sitting at a bar in Sydney, when this huge, burly Ameriacan dude walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck, knocking him to the floor.
The big Yank says: "That's a karate chop, from Korea."
The Aussie gets back on his bar stool and keeps drinking his beer. The Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks past the Aussie again, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
"That's a Judo chop from Japan," he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and he leaves.
Half an hour later he comes back and sees the Yank sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and with one blow to the head, the little Aussie knocks him out cold.
The Aussie says to the bartender: "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar, from Bunnings."

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 21 May 2005, 04:45

lol good 1 bogan..take that as a lesson pple, aussies arent to be messed with

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 21 May 2005, 12:33

lmao.

mohsan1988 · Post by **mohsan1988** » 22 May 2005, 01:17

Hee hee... simple yet funny:

"How do you make an egg roll?"

"Push it."

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 22 May 2005, 08:29

mohsan1988 · Post by **mohsan1988** » 22 May 2005, 22:39

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted!

mohsan1988 · Post by **mohsan1988** » 22 May 2005, 22:40

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

Bigfoot has been spotted.

boganbusman · Post by **boganbusman** » 24 May 2005, 10:58

Introducing the 2005 Darwin Awards! (no offence to anyone who lives in Darwin

)

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
Are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners.

Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at
his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger.The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital,telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone
to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer...$15.(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King (Hungry Jacks) in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked
away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges,saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

^^those are all real btw

my fav is number 3

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 24 May 2005, 11:30

LOL.....

....hey u know number 4?..i'm zimbabwean myself

....that bus driver rulzzzz

mohsan1988 · Post by **mohsan1988** » 24 May 2005, 12:20

LOL!!!! JUST FOUND THIS TOTALLY COOL IMAGE ON THE NET!

Triskac · Post by **Triskac** » 24 May 2005, 12:40

"5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. "

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 24 May 2005, 17:46

Heres a riddle:

A guy came home and found a cobra in his house. His wife screamed and ran upstairs. He got the snake and killed it but unfortunately, the venom got on his hands. He washed his hands and ate his food. A couple of hours later, he died.

How did he die?

Triskac · Post by **Triskac** » 24 May 2005, 17:59

in the car accident ?

R34GTR · Post by **R34GTR** » 24 May 2005, 18:01

He ate the snake